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(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2007|09:51 pm]
[mood |artisticsecretive]

This is now a friend's only journal - mostly because it's pretty private and I don't really want people I know to read it.

However if you've chanced upon this that doesn't mean I'm not interested in hearing from you. One of the reasons I've had a livejournal in the past is a) because for some reason I actually keep it up, being better at typing text in boxes than writing stuff in a box, and b) because by chance I've met a few great people, online and in one case in person, who I never would have done otherwise.

Why the change? Well, this was never supposed to be an exhibitionist thing!-and I guess it never occurred to me when, naive 13-year-old, I first started this, that people *could* find it. Not how the internet works apparently. Also things in my life have changed a fair bit which makes me want to hang onto some of the privacy a bit more. And also starting university etc has just meant I've met physically more people, (some of) who I'm less happy about letting read all my inner thoughts!

I'm leaving all the past entries for the moment because I can't be bothered to edit them all en masse. Embarrassing adolescence warts and all.

All the best,
Hannah x
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(no subject) [Jan. 1st, 2007|08:50 pm]
[mood |goodgood]

Some New Years questions:

-I have never been in love, at least not in what I would describe as love - not even remotely. There are precious few guys I know (ie 1 or max 2) who I would consider in that way. Is this normal? Is this the product of a single-sex education? Or are my standards just too high?
-Am I too competitive, and will this stop me getting what I want from my life?
-Is it unrealistic to be a romantic?
-Are my expectations of people I love and trust too high, or should I be anticipating a more flawed human nature in them and myself?
-Is it unrealistic to be an idealist?
-Should I be studying medicine, or should I be doing... say... anthropology? Perhaps medicine from a pragmatic point of view is what I think I want to do long-term, perhaps it's what I think I 'should' do and is both a useful and interesting use of my brains, but does it lack a spiritual side, and in its inherently reductionalist approach is it really an education in the life kind of sense?
-Should I reconsider my views on religion? Has my scientific and inherently atheist approach to the world killed something more integral, more human and more spiritual which I may once have had?
-Should I be trying to live my life in a moral way, or is hedonism the way forward? Am I deluding myself in thinking I even have a choice in this?
-Should I be a vegetarian?
-Should I compromise what I believe and act in a way that contradicts it, if it will make someone else happier?
-Am I living the life I want to lead?

I've been mostly posting private entries of late for a variety of reasons but am just going to stick this one up. Happy 2007! I think last year I posted something along the lines of 'May all your 2006 dreams come true' - with high hopes for my own. I'm feeling rather more pragmatic, 2006 having been unusually shit in a number of ways, but I guess at least I have a pretty strong idea that 2007 at the very least can't be any worse. Hurrah!
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(no subject) [Nov. 12th, 2006|05:06 pm]
[mood |optimisticoptimistic]

Things to be happy about:

1. I've finished my essays and now have a free evening.
2. It's all autumnal and I get to wrap up in scarves and gloves.
3. I am LIVING in a place which is so beautiful that tourists come and take photos. And a lot more would come if it wasn't off the main tourist track. At least they should because it's stunning, especially in autumn. (See below.)
4. Not only am I living here, I'm learning here, and this should help with being able to do whatever I want with my life.
5. A topical one: I don't live in 1914, or 1940. Neither do I live in Iraq or Sudan.
6. The chances are that I will never not have enough food, or not have a roof over my head.
7. Next weekend I'm popping home on Saturday night to see some fantastic friends.
8. I have a family who I love, and who love me.
9. My bedroom is feeling really nice and home-y now I've found some poster hangers and sorted it out.
10. 18 has to be one of the best ages to be.

I get to walk through this to do my laundry, get my meals or check my post:

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(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2006|09:34 am]
[mood |sickhungover]

Thought of the morning #1
If you think there's not really much racism any more, you should try being tied three-legged to a black guy on a Saturday night in Cambirdge.

Thought of the morning #2
I have GOT to start drinking less. Got to got to got to.
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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2006|05:39 pm]
[mood |indescribabledeterminedly cheerful]

Always look on the bright si-ide of life.

Doo doo.
Doo doo be doo be doo.
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(no subject) [Oct. 19th, 2006|11:01 pm]
And now I've been fucking dropped.


I'm going to bed.
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(no subject) [Oct. 19th, 2006|10:31 pm]
[mood |sadin a state]

I've just phoned home. And found mum crying, and J crying, and everyone angry and upset and generally fucked up.

And now I'm in tears.

And I was sitting in the kitchen making Lemsip and desperately hoping that someone would walk past and come in and ask what was the matter and talk to me and give me a hug, but nobody did.

Fuck I feel lonely.
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(no subject) [Oct. 19th, 2006|09:21 pm]
Which parent to spent Christmas with. There's a question I wasn't expecting to have to answer.

ie a pretty awesome Christmas in New Zealand with dad in the sun and seeing my gap-yearing friends, but a lot of awkwardness and leaving mum on her own to get utterly fucked up

or a miserable Xmas in Oxford that makes sure mum is OK and is more in line with where I think my loyalties should lie.

No contest really, is there?
(By which I mean I'm going with option b.)
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2006|10:13 pm]
[mood |peacefulbetter]

Approximate Summary Of Hannah's Thoughts On The Long Walk She Took To Clear Her Head
(ie pseudo-deep ramblings that have made me feel a little bit better)

Why am I even here?
Is the reason I wanted to be here just because I'm so competitive, just because it's what I thought was expected?
Nothing here is real. This fake world of stone buildings and lawns you can't walk on, gowns, boys with collars turned up and girls with short skirts and mascara, staring into bodies and learning parts of bones, cleverness and smugness, wealth, footprints of beer in the street and formal hall, pennying and drinking, trying to be funny, stupid drunk fumbly mechanical kisses, rampant socialising and hockey and lectures - it's not the real world.

But then:
Say what you want about the stars and the mountains, but the stars are just balls of chemicals and the mountains just piles of rocks. And what what makes the world amazing, is not what it is, but that you are here to see it.
Borneo was special because of Charley and Julie and Jim, Ross and Phil. And because of you, because you had the time to stop and think and look around you.
Don't think that you're special.
Everyone else will have felt the same way before.
Think back at home, to wine and picnics in summer in the parks with friends you know and love and trust - was THAT not real?
It just takes time to make those friends. Don't expect miracles.
You've put a mask on as well since you've been here, everyone has.
Underneath those masks is what makes the stars and the mountains more than just chemicals and rocks. In you, and in everyone else.
Find it.
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2006|09:14 pm]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic/panicky]

Have just been sucked into the phenomenon of 'Facebook'... and literally on the verge of tears looking at Graham's pictures of Borneo.

Here I am, trying to learn anatomy despite having been holding a fibula the wrong way up for the last 20 minutes.

Should I even be doing this?
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